N°3 The new priest.

The new priest of the parish was so nervous for his first sermon that he was unable to speak. To prepare his second sermon, for the next Sunday, he asked the Archbishop’s advice. The Archbishop advised to him what follows :

« For the next time, pour some VODKA drops in a glass of water and you will see that after some mouthfuls, you will be less stressed ». 

The next Sunday, the priest followed this advice and, indeed, he felt so well, SO WELL, so that he could have spoken anywhere. After his sermon, back to the sacristy, he found a letter of the Archbishop who said what follows :

« My Son,

For the next time, put some drops of vodka in a glass of water, and not some drops of water in a glass of vodka. I inform you of some observations so that what I saw today during your sermon does never, NEVER repeat.

1) There is no need to put a lemon disc on the edge of chalice, it isn’t a cocktail !
2) It isn’t the WC, but the confessional that is beside the altar.
3) You must avoid pressing up against the statue of the Blessed Virgin and especially, ESPECIALLY, you must avoid holding it tight in your arms and kissing it.
4)There are 10 commands and not 12.
5) The apostles were 12 and not 7. And none of them was dwarf.
6) We don’t call our Lord Jesus Christ and her apostles by " J.C & Co.".
7) We don’t refer to Judas as  " this son of a  bitch "!
8) You shouldn’t speak about the Pope by calling him " the Parrain (Godfather) ".
9) Hitler didn’t take a part in Jesus’death.
10) The blessed water is made to bless and not to refresh the nape of the neck.
11) You must never celebrate the mass sitting on the steps which carry out to the altar, and even less the foot posed on the Bible.
12) The hosts are for the communion and not cakes aperitifs to consume with the communion wine.
13) The sinners will go in hell, they won’t " go f…ck themselves" !
14) The idea to invite the faithful ones to dance was good, but NOT to dance a Madison in the church !
15) IMPORTANT: The guy sitting near the altar, and that you called " the gay" and " the transvestite wearing a skirt ", it was me!

I hope that these errors will be corrected for next Sunday.

Sincerely yours.

The Archbishop. »

The bird, the fox and the Tibetan monk

On a winter’s night, a Tibetan monk decided to go for a walk in the mountain. He met a young bird stiff with cold on the ground. Not wanting to let it die, but not being seen bringing it back to the monastery, he placed it in a cow dung, so that it could get warm.
Very happy to be finally in a hot place, the small bird started singIing. However, a famished fox which passed not far heard it. After listening to it a few seconds, the fox get the bird out of the cow dung and then, ate it.

There are 3 morals with this story:

1/ The guy who drop you in the shit, does not necessarily wish you harm.

2/ The guy who get you out of the shit, does not necessarily wish you well.

3/ When you are in the shit…. it’s better for you to shut your mouth.

This one is for the guys who can stay zen !

HOW TO EXPLAIN THE VARIOUS ECONOMIC SYSTEMS TO SOMEBODY WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT POLITICS?

Very simply with the “ Two cows method” :

1. SOCIALISM
You have two cows and you give one to your neighbour.

2. COMMUNISM
You have two cows ; the government takes both of them and gives you the milk.

3. FASCISM
You have two cows ; the government takes both and sells you the milk.

4. NAZISM
You have two cows ; the government takes them and kills you.

5. BUREAUCRATIC SYSTEM
You have two cows ; the government takes both, kills one, milks the other and pours milk in the forest.

6. TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and you buy a male ; you multiply your cows and there is economic growth. You sell them, you take your retirement and you live with the profits.

7. MODERN CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and you buy a male ; you multiply your cows and you buy those of your neighbors. The latter become your shepherds, you pay them with little money and they die poor.

8. AMERICAN SOCIETY
You have two cows ; you sell one and you oblige the other to produce milk like 4 cows. By dint of producing beyond its capacities, she dies. Afterward, you engage some consultants to know why the cow died.

9. FRENCH SOCIETY
You have 2 cows ; you go on strike because you want a third cow.

10. GERMAN SOCIETY
You have two cows ; you modify them genetically so that they can live 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

11. ITALIAN SOCIETY
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. So you say “ basta !!” and you take a meal break.

12. RUSSIAN SOCIETY
You have two cows. You count them and you find they are 5. You count them again and you find they are 42. You count them once again and you find that they are 2. So you stop counting and you open another bottle of vodka.

13. SWISS SOCIETY
You have 5000 cows ; none of them belongs to you. You invoice the other countries for guarding.

14. CHINESE SOCIETY
You have two cows, and 300 people to milk them…. You proclaim to the whole world that you have employment for all your people and a high bovine production ; and you put in jail the journalist who publishes the real figures.

15. ENGLISH SOCIETY
You have two cows, they are all insane.

16. AFRICAN SOCIETY
You have two cows ; you eat them and you begin to dream that givers or foreign investors give you other cows.

Remember : no angry, but zen attitude !

(This story is a big challenge for me, because I have never been able to tell it orally. Every time I try, I start laughing and laughing in the middle of each sentence and that gets on the nerves of my interlocutors.)


The Pope is dying. From his bed, he invites the most famous lawyer and banker in Rome. He asks the two men to come and see him.

As soon as they arrive, they are led into the Pope’s room and the domestic make them sit on each side of the bed.

The Pope casts an intense glance at them, smiles, then starts to gaze at the ceiling.

During a certain time, neither the lawyer nor the banker say anything. While being very intrigued, they seem to be touched that the Pope could think of them on his deathbed !

Couldn’t put up with the silence any longer, the lawyer finally asks the Pope :

- Your Holiness, why are we there?

The Pope, gathering his last forces, answers him :

- Jesus died between 2 thieves … I want to do the same ! "

COLLECTION OF HOWLERS OF THE POLICE : some sentences read in the police reports

* The luggage was waiting with a shady air.

* When we asked him for some explanations, the man smiled like a guilty.

* The more the man was trying to give us explanations about his act, the more we were understanding that he didn’t speak the same language as us.

* It’s at that moment that the suspect had the audacity to fall asleep while we were questioning him.

* The man told us all the truth, which was only a pack of lies.

* The man refused to own up that he had lied to us by affirming that he was dead.

* The man was waiting for the bus with a suspect glance…

* Then the suspect threatened us by knitting his brows…

* Only the autopsy will be able to say to us if the man is still alive…

* The man filed his complaint on the desk before flying away in front of our eyes which didn’t understand anything.

* The deceased person confirmed that her murderer had really acted alone.

* The suspect being a homeless person, the policemen could catch him when he finally left home.

* The robbers’trio was composed of four men…

WOMEN VS MEN (1)

One day a little girl asked her mother:
"Hey Mom, how were the first parents born?"

"Well," replied her mother, God created the first parents, Adam and Eve.
Adam and Eve had children who later became parents and so on. That’s the way was created the human family. "

Two days later, the girl asked the same question to his father.
The father replied:
"There are millions of years, the monkeys have evolved slowly to become human beings we are today."

Confused, the girl went to see her mother again :
"Mom ! How is it possible that you tell me that first parents were created by God and Daddy tell me that it was monkeys have evolved?

The mother replied with a smile:
"It's very simple my dear. I told you about MY family and your father spoke about HIS family. "

WOMEN VS MEN (3)

A man reads the newspaper and tells his wife:
- Do you know that women use 30,000 words per day and the men, only 15,000 ?

The woman answers him :
- It’s easy to explain : we always have to repeat twice the same thing to men. And sometimes more... "

The man turned toward her and said, 'What? "

That post is only for women

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